I have been thinking about human experience lately.
We work, we have children (or not), we have hobbies, we have adventures, we have conversations, we have feeeeeeelings.
We have opinions.
We have judgments.
Every year Ronnie and I have been together, things in general get better for us. So far, this year can suck it. A big part of my summation of failure (and it's only February, fuuuck) has to do with my dealings with other people.
Just what is wrong with people.
I mean really. It's like I am a magnet for people who are infuriatingly despicable embarrassing representations of all of us. Humanity...the world keeps giving me these gifts of assholes. And I am applying my knowledge to bettering myself and the world around me, really, but I've nearly had enough.
I keep encountering people who seem to have no idea that I can totally tell they are full of shit. Lie to my face, trying to make me think they know everything I don't, not thinking that I will easily learn the truth. Pass horrible judgments about people who trust us, thinking it's okay to set that example for the young humans around us. Live to serve their ego rather than truly help others, not knowing that helping others is helping yourself. {I am helping myself here but also helping you...please spread the word to the assholes in your life: stop being such an asshole. Every little thing you say and do is indicative of your intention in this world. Make the world better for everyone.} People who do not even begin to think about how they present themselves to others. Vain, petty, self-absorbed, lying, immature...bad.
I know I suck at a lot of things but I also know how awesome I am. Often I am taken advantage of because I'm too nice to directly call people on their shit. Lately I have been extremely creative in speaking with others, finding a perfectly diplomatic nice way of pointing out why their words are a waste of precious breath, their ideas are a waste of neural energy, their contributions to our shared Earthly experience is disgusting. Some people, you and I cannot help. We can't set the example of how to be. We can't be followed because our audience doesn't want to be better.
This isn't about how I am better than anyone but it is. I do understand we are a sum of our parts. Life is so unfair. If only certain people could learn their place in the world, understand that some of us are dying having to pick up their slack every second of every day...I wouldn't have to watch Hoarding: Buried Alive, cringe through the first 57 minutes of the show to get to the end where the hoarders are so happy to have a clean healthy home and new positive outlook on life. The clean organized houses are my addiction. I wouldn't have to make the most perfect buttercream frosting ever then be constipated for three days because sugar overload, had to eat some feelings, the only one learning a lesson is me, and please I hope you learn from my delicious mistake. I wouldn't have to feel weirdly shameful for my successes and lovely personality. It's not my fault I'm super awesome. You can be awesome too. Just please stop trying to be awesome at being a dick.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Sunday, January 12, 2014
I yelled at the tv tonight.
Downton Abbey is. Just is. Matthew is still dead so nothing will ever be okay again, ever, in that terribly awesome show and in my terribly awesome real life. I am so mad about tonight's episode though. When is Thomas going to get more screen time because I love him, he'll fill in for Matthew.
So symbolic, much reflection. Shows getting exciting but frustrating, life being busy and frustrating. A new year, time to get back into regular routine. The routine that I love and hate. A lot of things I'm feeling I need to fix but doesn't matter if I try, it'll end up shitty anyway.
Last week I came to an agreement with someone about something we contribute to equally. While I wasn't in our shared space, that person did something completely opposite from what we agreed. Totally disrespectful and inconsiderate, exactly that person's essence. If I even imagined doing something similar, that person would tattle on me to everyone we know and spread their unpleasantness throughout our entire shared atmosphere, making it all my fault and making me the villain. There's no disagreeing with this person, it's their way or "oh, well, I guess we can do whatever you want, sure, that's fine with me, whatever you want to do" with no eye contact or genuine emotion matching the words, obviously this person does not approve of any kind of compromise. No calling this person on their bullshit, no setting an example of desirable behavior, no positive interaction whatsoever. Nothing I can do about it.
A few weeks ago I found out someone intentionally omitted an important detail from their recounting of a situation. The detail was an action they took, an action I would have prevented and condemned had I been present. I learned about the action from a third party. The person who took the particular action is as, if not more, difficult than the aforementioned person who disrespected the fuck out of me. I want to address the issue, I need to address the issue, but this person is so unable to bend their will to serve the common good or at least definitely unable to not make everyone else follow their ridiculous rules...not worth it. A relationship with this person isn't beneficial to me at all. It should be, but this person makes even a half-ass relationship impossible. Nothing I can do about it.
Lots of little things happening at work. We work as a team and talk about the kids altogether. I love my job, the kids, the coworkers, the boss, but I am starting to feel that I'm not being used properly there. I feel like things would run better if I had more input...or at least if my suggestions were heeded. I don't want to be the director or be on any kind of power trip but I know what I'm talking about, but let's actually do some of the things we're talking about rather than just talk and talk and talk about possibilities. Stop wasting time complaining and brainstorming, help the children we love. This is one thing I can do.
Weather sucks, cats won't poop outside, nobody in this house but me can scoop the litter box. Nothing I can do about it.
Am I being taken advantage of or am I actually winning? Not changing the outcomes of these events isn't admitting defeat, but I'm not making my dissatisfaction known. Outwardly. I'm thinking about working on that. Also thinking wouldn't it be great if Matthew pulled a Sherlock and came back? Would be so nice. Or seriously get some full-time Barrow action going on. Edna is a total shit, super good new conspiracy partner. You're welcome, Downton Abbey writers, I fixed it. So everything is awesome.
So symbolic, much reflection. Shows getting exciting but frustrating, life being busy and frustrating. A new year, time to get back into regular routine. The routine that I love and hate. A lot of things I'm feeling I need to fix but doesn't matter if I try, it'll end up shitty anyway.
Last week I came to an agreement with someone about something we contribute to equally. While I wasn't in our shared space, that person did something completely opposite from what we agreed. Totally disrespectful and inconsiderate, exactly that person's essence. If I even imagined doing something similar, that person would tattle on me to everyone we know and spread their unpleasantness throughout our entire shared atmosphere, making it all my fault and making me the villain. There's no disagreeing with this person, it's their way or "oh, well, I guess we can do whatever you want, sure, that's fine with me, whatever you want to do" with no eye contact or genuine emotion matching the words, obviously this person does not approve of any kind of compromise. No calling this person on their bullshit, no setting an example of desirable behavior, no positive interaction whatsoever. Nothing I can do about it.
A few weeks ago I found out someone intentionally omitted an important detail from their recounting of a situation. The detail was an action they took, an action I would have prevented and condemned had I been present. I learned about the action from a third party. The person who took the particular action is as, if not more, difficult than the aforementioned person who disrespected the fuck out of me. I want to address the issue, I need to address the issue, but this person is so unable to bend their will to serve the common good or at least definitely unable to not make everyone else follow their ridiculous rules...not worth it. A relationship with this person isn't beneficial to me at all. It should be, but this person makes even a half-ass relationship impossible. Nothing I can do about it.
Lots of little things happening at work. We work as a team and talk about the kids altogether. I love my job, the kids, the coworkers, the boss, but I am starting to feel that I'm not being used properly there. I feel like things would run better if I had more input...or at least if my suggestions were heeded. I don't want to be the director or be on any kind of power trip but I know what I'm talking about, but let's actually do some of the things we're talking about rather than just talk and talk and talk about possibilities. Stop wasting time complaining and brainstorming, help the children we love. This is one thing I can do.
Weather sucks, cats won't poop outside, nobody in this house but me can scoop the litter box. Nothing I can do about it.
Am I being taken advantage of or am I actually winning? Not changing the outcomes of these events isn't admitting defeat, but I'm not making my dissatisfaction known. Outwardly. I'm thinking about working on that. Also thinking wouldn't it be great if Matthew pulled a Sherlock and came back? Would be so nice. Or seriously get some full-time Barrow action going on. Edna is a total shit, super good new conspiracy partner. You're welcome, Downton Abbey writers, I fixed it. So everything is awesome.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
New year, new attempt, new outcome.
It might be cliche to embark upon YET ANOTHER blog journey, today of all days. I'm confident in, yet also terrified of, what I can accomplish here. My husband keeps telling me I can be a great writer, I can sustain our family with my words. I know he's right. Facebook posts aren't enough anymore. You're better than that and so am I.
A New Year's gift to you and myself: I'm going to write here at least three times a week. I can and will do it.
You can anticipate pictures of my kids in plastic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costumes, reading Scooby Doo books, making messes, wiping out on roller skates. Recounted conversations with my husband. Incredulous musings based on life in this county. Country. Universe. I can anticipate pennies in monthly ad revenue! Oh yes, I'm going to exploit myself. For the love of family.
I'm really serious about sewing little dresses and getting a booth at Sunday Market. I did all the research last year, now all I have to do is sew. I have a childcare job working for our fine city. I really love my job but it's only part-time. We knew we were going to struggle financially with two little kids and a mortgage but we didn't think it would be this difficult. Cutting all the corners we can worked for like, two weeks. Anybody want to buy a kegerator? It's adorable! Sustain multiple facets of local and global economy with one $200 purchase! My family's finances will thank you (Sallie Mae will thank you for the payment), local liquor store owner will thank you, increase your doctor bills depending on how often you refill the keg, explore possible marriage counseling market depending on how often you refill the keg, everybody wins! Also your purchase adds to our DirecTV payment so our kids have the opportunity to watch Super Why so I can sew.
At least I'm not Sarah McLachlan pimping the ASPCA commercial which by the way is my new most-hated thing EVER, love when my 5-year-old comes to me sobbing about how the pets are going to die if we don't adoct them and mama and daddy are going to die and she doesn't want us to die because she doesn't want to have to get a job to take care of her baby brother but she will breastfeed him for me when I'm dead so that's nice.
A New Year's gift to you and myself: I'm going to write here at least three times a week. I can and will do it.
You can anticipate pictures of my kids in plastic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costumes, reading Scooby Doo books, making messes, wiping out on roller skates. Recounted conversations with my husband. Incredulous musings based on life in this county. Country. Universe. I can anticipate pennies in monthly ad revenue! Oh yes, I'm going to exploit myself. For the love of family.
I'm really serious about sewing little dresses and getting a booth at Sunday Market. I did all the research last year, now all I have to do is sew. I have a childcare job working for our fine city. I really love my job but it's only part-time. We knew we were going to struggle financially with two little kids and a mortgage but we didn't think it would be this difficult. Cutting all the corners we can worked for like, two weeks. Anybody want to buy a kegerator? It's adorable! Sustain multiple facets of local and global economy with one $200 purchase! My family's finances will thank you (Sallie Mae will thank you for the payment), local liquor store owner will thank you, increase your doctor bills depending on how often you refill the keg, explore possible marriage counseling market depending on how often you refill the keg, everybody wins! Also your purchase adds to our DirecTV payment so our kids have the opportunity to watch Super Why so I can sew.
At least I'm not Sarah McLachlan pimping the ASPCA commercial which by the way is my new most-hated thing EVER, love when my 5-year-old comes to me sobbing about how the pets are going to die if we don't adoct them and mama and daddy are going to die and she doesn't want us to die because she doesn't want to have to get a job to take care of her baby brother but she will breastfeed him for me when I'm dead so that's nice.
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