Honk

It occurred to me the other day that I know of several other blogs whose authors update maybe once or twice a month, and they seem successful and pleased with their blogginess. Then I realized, I too can have that. So over a month after my previous entry here, I present two stories for your pleasure:

1. Last night, I was driving home from work and nearly ended several lives.

Many of you know where I live, many of you do not. To keep things fair, I'll say that I live in an outdoorsy city. There are many parks and rivers sprinkled throughout the urban area. My commute home takes me right past a popular park located on a large river.

So I'm driving along, Ruby is yelling about the moon or something from her carseat, and HOLY SHIT DUCKS. This stupid ass duck walks right out onto this busy ass street like it wanted to die. I will do anything to help anyone out, you know this, but killing a precious duck? Cannot. AND THEN another stupid ass duck flaps its stupid face right onto the street behind stupid ass duck #1. #2 was a little smarter and flapped immediately back onto the sidewalk. #1 I was pretty sure I murdered but it was fucking rush hour with typical My Town drivers whizzing past at speeds clearly exceeding the posted speed limit by at least 10 mph, angrily honking and neglecting their blinkers because how dare I obey traffic laws?!

Anyway I thought I killed the duck but couldn't exactly assess the situation in my then-current state. I continued driving but turned around when I could, worried that I would have to call animal control saying I hit a fucking duck with my car but you know it wasn't my fault, ducks are dumb, and then I worried about Ruby seeing the dead duck and of course she would tell everyone Mama duck die or something.

By the time I returned to the scene, all the ducks had somehow safely crossed the street. Most of them were remaining true to their asshole roots, practically walking on the curb up the sidewalk, but I didn't see any flattened ducks on the street or the front of the car when I got home. But what the fuck were they doing moving around at nearly 7 pm? They couldn't stay put for one more night before fucking off for South America or wherever?

Lesson: obvious. Humans > animals, even if animals in question are smart enough to migrate.

2. To continue the previous story's theme of People Here Don't Know How to Drive, I would like to inform you that over the past two weeks, 4 other drivers have honked their horns at me. We all know I love to exaggerate, especially if it makes my story funnier, but I am dead serious when I tell you that I was doing the right, lawful thing in each honking instance.

It seems that many people just don't understand the rules of the road. I don't mean my rules. We all have the same rules, as defined by the DMV or whoever and offenses against said rules are punishable by law and/or road rage. You turn 16, you take the test, you pass, you get a license, and that's it. Your idiocy and extreme self-centeredness are unleashed upon the innocent. Ridiculous.

Today's incident is a little complicated to explain but I am feeling crazily compelled to get it out into the internet...many of My Town's downtown streets are on crack and meet up at one-ways, two lanes turning onto four lanes, bullshit. Add this nonsense to the lack of driving skills prevalent in the citizens and you get I Hate Driving Here. Clear signs indicating rules and right of way are all over the fucking place and people still can't figure shit out. I was on a two lane, one way street facing a four lane, oppositely one way street. I had a green light and was turning onto a four lane, one way street onto the lane closest to me which was the correct thing to do. I knew that the lanes facing me had to yield to me but they apparently had a green light too but they should have waited for me because it's the fucking law.

Well. Some dickwad chose to try to turn into my lane (the FURTHEST from where they originated) and when they realized I was there, they decided to honk like a motherfucker. Characteristically and in practice. How rude, right? They did the wrong thing, and got mad at me for doing the right thing.

Lesson: pretty obvious. People are dumb, and I can safely not classify myself as such. I do dumb things, we all do, but damn it. Too many honkings in too small a timeframe. And nobody in this current election is purporting a safe-driving platform! Shameful! Because driving safely definitely trumps taxes, education, health care reform, and constitutional rights.

You know I'm kidding, right? Seriously though, hate bad drivers with their honking.