Have you ever shaken all the sand out of a sand dollar?
No, you haven't, because sand dollars are black holes containing all the sand on all the beaches in the world.
I am taking a break from shaking sand out of a sand dollar. I'm not kidding, entire minutes. Okay maybe it was only two minutes at most but that is a LONG time to be shaking sand out of a sand dollar. It isn't even a particularly large sand dollar which could accommodate all the sand on all the beaches in the world.
But of course the sand dollar's size doesn't matter, since black holes are black holes.
This post brought to you by my super terrible head cold and after only 6 1/2 days at my new job I forgot what it was like to be a stay at home mom with the kids climbing all over me and talking and talking and talking and laughing hysterically but it's not at all funny but I actually don't know for sure because I wasn't really listening to what you were saying and that is terrible but have you heard yourself lately? You're like RAINBOWS UNICORNS STRAWBERRIES I AM GOING TO BE A UNICORN RIDER WHEN I GROW UP AND I AM GOING TO VISIT BUBBLE CITY TOMORROW BECAUSE MOLLY IS MY BEST FRIEND BUT I HOPE MR GROUPER DOESN'T CHANGE COLOR BECAUSE THAT MAKES BASHY CRY BECAUSE HE'S ONLY A BABY AND HE DOESN'T KNOW IT'S JUST A SHOW SO CAN WE VISIT BUBBLE CITY TOMORROW HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THE PIGEON'S ON MOLLY'S HEAD LOOK AT THE PIGEON IT'S ON MOLLY'S HEAD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MOMMOM WATCH ME JUMP OFF THIS PILE OF COUCH CUSHIONS MOMMOM WATCH ME MOMMOM WATCH ME I AM THE BEST JUMPER IN THE WORLD WHOA THAT WAS A LITTLE SCARY BUT I'M OK I KNOW YOU SAID DON'T DO THAT BUT I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT NO I DON'T NEED A NAP I NEED TO JUMP SOME MORE CAN YOU DRAW ME A PICTURE OF A WHITE UNICORN WITH RAINBOW HAIR AND RAINBOW TAIL NO MAKE IT LOOK DIFFERENT NO YOU HAVE TO DO IT THIS WAY NO YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG NO I DON'T NEED A NAP I'M NOT TIRED NO I CAN'T CLEAN UP CLEANING MAKES ME TIRED I'M TOO TIRED TO CLEAN UP NO I'M NOT TIRED FOR A NAP I'M JUST TOO TIRED TO CLEAN UP CAN I HAVE SOME CANDY BUT I DON'T WANT TO EAT DINNER I JUST WANT CANDY BUT DINNER IS BORING
I mean really.
I will only Rubyblog a few more times. It's exhausting typing. I'm sure it's exhausting reading. It's super exhausting keeping that kid alive. She is quite possibly the smartest funniest girl ever but I'm tired. Then there's koala barnacle baby. 2 more days then I get to go back to work. Terrible.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Trying this hat on again
This blog used to be such a part of me. I don't know why or how I started using Facebook as my blog. I'm coming back here. For Bri. And me. And you. But not all of you.
Some of you don't understand, won't understand, shouldn't understand. I'm imagining you sitting wherever you sit, reading this and thinking, 'wow, I missed Denese's amusing spot-on observations that I could have cobbled together on my own but she just gets me because she's special and we love each other.' Or maybe you're thinking 'god why can't this bitch shut up already, not funny at all.' I have been doing it wrong for awhile so here I am trying to make it right.
Everyone uses Facebook for different things such as not much actually, super awesome funny stuff, pictures of themselves and nothing else, fucking disgusting bigotry, or mean stupidity. You've all seen the incendiary shit I put on there because yeah, I think I'm right about everything but I would never say that to your face. I'm trying to help you! Breastfeed your babies! Realize the racism around you! Maybe you can't change it! Even if you try! But knowing about it is the first step! In my white college educated middle class privileged world anyway! Know more about the rate of embassy attacks during Bush's and Obama's presidencies! Replace your carpets with hardwood or tile floors because INFECTIOUS GERMS! The truth will set you free! And I'm going to take ALL the credit for your newfound knowledge! Properly crediting my source of course but that is MY source and not yours. Get your own. But you can only get it from me.
I don't know how often I'll be able to continue inspiring you all, especially since Sebastian is doing this thing where he wakes up between 1 & 2 a.m. then won't go back to sleep for about 2 hours. I should be napping with him now. I'm insane. He's insane. Who does that. Yells at me because he's tired. Falls asleep for a split second then starts yelling again. OR or he thinks putting his fingers up my nose is SUPER awesome good idea in the middle of the night. Just, you know, plug that hole because duh. THEN he tries to put that same finger in my mouth. THEN he gets mad because I do not allow that. And I personally sacrifice a lot in the name of peace but that is one battle he is going to continue to lose. I'm so glad you're with me on that. Thanks for the support.
Also Ruby is like TALK TALK TALK NOISE NOISE NOISE ANNOYING ANNOYING ANNOYING MESS MESS MESS CRY CRY CRY TALK TALK TALK and there is not enough coffee in this world. Or maybe I should funnel her spirit into baristry. Baristism? Baristocracy? I want my daughter to learn how to operate the coffeemaker is what I'm saying.
And then my darling husband wants to buy me a house. Which is nice but you guys. Houses can be so dumb. And expensive. And moldy. But we're doing it and we're doing it together and I'm going to paint all the walls different shades of gray but he'll probably think they're actually shades of blue and then we'll get into heated discussions like "this is green" "no this is blue" "no not blue, green" "are you insane" "yes, completely" "cool me too" "that's cool but this is green" 'I don't even know who you are anymore" and it's going to be so good.
What would you of my upcoming-10-year-reunion-classmates do if I said "okay we could go to Geno's for this much, Fultano's for this much, or Supper Club for this much, these are the things included, and if you don't vote then give me your share of the cost by the end of the week, you're uninvited?" Because I'm starting to feel that kind of bratty dictatorship. Really trying hard to balance everything (in my entire life), be fair to everyone, give everyone time to consider and say what you think, I mean how many times have I said "I'll do it but you have to tell me to do it" and you're all "..." but nice time is almost over. I think not-nice me is what you all want anyway? Possibly? Because we all must remember where we came from? History repeats itself? You're living vicariously through my bitchery? I'm going to truly genuinely revel in pissing at least 4 of you off to the point of unfriending? Generally I am like, 95% nicer than I was in high school. Did you know? I'm guessing not. Surprise!
Some of you don't understand, won't understand, shouldn't understand. I'm imagining you sitting wherever you sit, reading this and thinking, 'wow, I missed Denese's amusing spot-on observations that I could have cobbled together on my own but she just gets me because she's special and we love each other.' Or maybe you're thinking 'god why can't this bitch shut up already, not funny at all.' I have been doing it wrong for awhile so here I am trying to make it right.
Everyone uses Facebook for different things such as not much actually, super awesome funny stuff, pictures of themselves and nothing else, fucking disgusting bigotry, or mean stupidity. You've all seen the incendiary shit I put on there because yeah, I think I'm right about everything but I would never say that to your face. I'm trying to help you! Breastfeed your babies! Realize the racism around you! Maybe you can't change it! Even if you try! But knowing about it is the first step! In my white college educated middle class privileged world anyway! Know more about the rate of embassy attacks during Bush's and Obama's presidencies! Replace your carpets with hardwood or tile floors because INFECTIOUS GERMS! The truth will set you free! And I'm going to take ALL the credit for your newfound knowledge! Properly crediting my source of course but that is MY source and not yours. Get your own. But you can only get it from me.
I don't know how often I'll be able to continue inspiring you all, especially since Sebastian is doing this thing where he wakes up between 1 & 2 a.m. then won't go back to sleep for about 2 hours. I should be napping with him now. I'm insane. He's insane. Who does that. Yells at me because he's tired. Falls asleep for a split second then starts yelling again. OR or he thinks putting his fingers up my nose is SUPER awesome good idea in the middle of the night. Just, you know, plug that hole because duh. THEN he tries to put that same finger in my mouth. THEN he gets mad because I do not allow that. And I personally sacrifice a lot in the name of peace but that is one battle he is going to continue to lose. I'm so glad you're with me on that. Thanks for the support.
Also Ruby is like TALK TALK TALK NOISE NOISE NOISE ANNOYING ANNOYING ANNOYING MESS MESS MESS CRY CRY CRY TALK TALK TALK and there is not enough coffee in this world. Or maybe I should funnel her spirit into baristry. Baristism? Baristocracy? I want my daughter to learn how to operate the coffeemaker is what I'm saying.
And then my darling husband wants to buy me a house. Which is nice but you guys. Houses can be so dumb. And expensive. And moldy. But we're doing it and we're doing it together and I'm going to paint all the walls different shades of gray but he'll probably think they're actually shades of blue and then we'll get into heated discussions like "this is green" "no this is blue" "no not blue, green" "are you insane" "yes, completely" "cool me too" "that's cool but this is green" 'I don't even know who you are anymore" and it's going to be so good.
What would you of my upcoming-10-year-reunion-classmates do if I said "okay we could go to Geno's for this much, Fultano's for this much, or Supper Club for this much, these are the things included, and if you don't vote then give me your share of the cost by the end of the week, you're uninvited?" Because I'm starting to feel that kind of bratty dictatorship. Really trying hard to balance everything (in my entire life), be fair to everyone, give everyone time to consider and say what you think, I mean how many times have I said "I'll do it but you have to tell me to do it" and you're all "..." but nice time is almost over. I think not-nice me is what you all want anyway? Possibly? Because we all must remember where we came from? History repeats itself? You're living vicariously through my bitchery? I'm going to truly genuinely revel in pissing at least 4 of you off to the point of unfriending? Generally I am like, 95% nicer than I was in high school. Did you know? I'm guessing not. Surprise!
Saturday, March 3, 2012
I don't even...Kids. And stuff.
I honestly thought I had pretended to want to write here before April of last year. I still had a job then. Wow.
Well obviously a lot has happened so I'm just going to move forward.
Ronnie's work is running some kind of "Biggest Loser" contest. So he is signing himself up and "we can do it together. it will be easier as a team" (straight quote from text message he sent me because he isn't THAT dumb, would probably not say that to my face although he did want to buy me a jogging stroller for VALENTINE'S DAY so I could get out of the house and get some exercise because I am still squishy...I chose him). Although I am still exclusively breastfeeding the baby so I have to consume extra calories while Ronnie's body is his to do whatever the hell he wants. Just sayin. Not really fair. Obviously I must win.
Ruby is in preschool 3 mornings a week now. She loves it. I love how the stuff she learns at school is working its way into her regular vernacular. Like she was telling me tonight "mmmmm (while rubbing her belly) Miss Ally says that's the letter p!" Nice try. Last Thursday when I dropped her off, she saw her teacher and ran screaming with glee to her. Clapping and jumping and everything. She's happy. So I have more time to blog!
I wish. Sebastian has been such the 4-month-old baby lately. He wants to bite everything, drool on everything, be held up high and walked around the house like fucking Simba. And now he won't stay asleep. Naps, nighttime, sleeps for like 90 seconds at a time. Unless he's in the babybjorn and I'm walking around Fred Meyer for an hour. I know he's getting enough to eat, he doesn't have fevers or anything, no ear infection...he just wants to be cuddled constantly I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK. It's okay. It just reminds me of all the sleeping problems Ruby had as a baby (basically every single sleeping problem possible) and I'm worrying and dreading and scared.
I should probably go to sleep because Sebastian will be waking up soon. Or not! Everyone knows once any parent posts anything about their child's behavior on the Internet, the opposite behavior presents itself. So yes. I think Sebastian is going to keep me up all night. No sleep whatsoever.
I have missed you.
Well obviously a lot has happened so I'm just going to move forward.
Ronnie's work is running some kind of "Biggest Loser" contest. So he is signing himself up and "we can do it together. it will be easier as a team" (straight quote from text message he sent me because he isn't THAT dumb, would probably not say that to my face although he did want to buy me a jogging stroller for VALENTINE'S DAY so I could get out of the house and get some exercise because I am still squishy...I chose him). Although I am still exclusively breastfeeding the baby so I have to consume extra calories while Ronnie's body is his to do whatever the hell he wants. Just sayin. Not really fair. Obviously I must win.
Ruby is in preschool 3 mornings a week now. She loves it. I love how the stuff she learns at school is working its way into her regular vernacular. Like she was telling me tonight "mmmmm (while rubbing her belly) Miss Ally says that's the letter p!" Nice try. Last Thursday when I dropped her off, she saw her teacher and ran screaming with glee to her. Clapping and jumping and everything. She's happy. So I have more time to blog!
I wish. Sebastian has been such the 4-month-old baby lately. He wants to bite everything, drool on everything, be held up high and walked around the house like fucking Simba. And now he won't stay asleep. Naps, nighttime, sleeps for like 90 seconds at a time. Unless he's in the babybjorn and I'm walking around Fred Meyer for an hour. I know he's getting enough to eat, he doesn't have fevers or anything, no ear infection...he just wants to be cuddled constantly I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK. It's okay. It just reminds me of all the sleeping problems Ruby had as a baby (basically every single sleeping problem possible) and I'm worrying and dreading and scared.
I should probably go to sleep because Sebastian will be waking up soon. Or not! Everyone knows once any parent posts anything about their child's behavior on the Internet, the opposite behavior presents itself. So yes. I think Sebastian is going to keep me up all night. No sleep whatsoever.
I have missed you.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Forget this...I already have.
http://dklemple.tumblr.com/
This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone but I have yet to resume regular posting ANYWHERE on the Internet. Even my Facebook updates are spotty at best. Got a lot of shit going on all over the place but at least my kid is putting her actual shit in the potty all the time. Lately, I've been focusing on small victories rather than overall happiness, thinking that the little things will add up eventually. Poop in potty = win.
Last post here was right after Thanksgiving. Damn, that was a good dinner.
Between then and my last actual post at my new tumblr, we got a new car and I got a new job. Simply thinking about how to begin summarizing everything that is occurring in my personal life makes me nauseous so my apologies, no little life updates quite yet. Professionally speaking, life is lightyears better now than it was working for my previous employers, but much busier and also nauseating at times so we'll talk later about that too.
Things are pretty nice at the Klemple household...I think I'll stop there. For real though, pictures from New Jersey are on their way! Once I find the camera. And the cord.
This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone but I have yet to resume regular posting ANYWHERE on the Internet. Even my Facebook updates are spotty at best. Got a lot of shit going on all over the place but at least my kid is putting her actual shit in the potty all the time. Lately, I've been focusing on small victories rather than overall happiness, thinking that the little things will add up eventually. Poop in potty = win.
Last post here was right after Thanksgiving. Damn, that was a good dinner.
Between then and my last actual post at my new tumblr, we got a new car and I got a new job. Simply thinking about how to begin summarizing everything that is occurring in my personal life makes me nauseous so my apologies, no little life updates quite yet. Professionally speaking, life is lightyears better now than it was working for my previous employers, but much busier and also nauseating at times so we'll talk later about that too.
Things are pretty nice at the Klemple household...I think I'll stop there. For real though, pictures from New Jersey are on their way! Once I find the camera. And the cord.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Up and Down
Still no new car. I don't want to talk about it.
In happier news, Thanksgiving was a smashing success. I made a turkey, bacon green beans, cheesy mashed potatoes and parsnips, spinach artichoke stuffing, cranberry-cherry-pomegranate sauce, pumpkin cheesecake with chocolate shortbread crust, and pumpkin pie with gingersnap crust. Everyone loved everything. Honestly! I was surprised with the everyone loving everything part. Even Ruby ate some turkey and touched one bite of potato-parsnip mash to her bottom lip. Success! My mom brought her famous black bean corn salsa and I made pumpkin pie spice kettle corn, 3 hummuses (?) (they were regular, avocado, and roasted red pepper), and Ruby cut out gingerbread cookies with my mom and Jilly which was adorable.
Then we (me, Jilly, our parents) saw Harry Potter. I loved it very much. However, after a mother-daughters squabble, I am needing your input on a confusing issue: the Invisibility Cloak. Please contact me as soon as possible because I am lost/without my own copies of Half-Blood Prince and The Deathly Hallows to check.
So those were ups, here are the downs.
In last week's football pool (at Ronnie's work, I am allowed to participate), I came in second place. After Thursday's games and half of today's, I am so far away from even having a shot at winning I just want to cry. Ronnie is in a 3-way tie for first though, oddly enough this is after he came in last place last week. Interesting.
Ruby is refusing to wear a diaper today, which is fine for number ones (she announces "I need to pee!" then runs to the bathroom to do so) but number twos, not so much. Usually she'll wait for a diaper to poop. Not today. About an hour ago, she decided to squat while standing in a chair and start pushing. So I picked her up sideways and ran her to the bathroom. I saw one poo fall. I sat her down, she peed, and decided to be done (there is no forcing/bribing/entertaining her to stay on the toilet once she's done). So we went to pick up the one poo and I discovered that my hasty transport helped her poo drop from her body. A poo trail across the living room.
I have had a sore throat for four days now, with sneezing and a little stuffiness.
At least I don't have to go to work tomorrow.
But that means I am making no money.
But Ronnie's work is extremely generous with quarterly AND holiday bonuses so we're totally fine.
But we have to go to the company holiday BOWLING party to collect the Christmas bonus.
I am not excited about this awkward bowling shit.
But I am friendly with several of Ronnie's work friends AND their girlfriends.
Still. Awk.
In happier news, Thanksgiving was a smashing success. I made a turkey, bacon green beans, cheesy mashed potatoes and parsnips, spinach artichoke stuffing, cranberry-cherry-pomegranate sauce, pumpkin cheesecake with chocolate shortbread crust, and pumpkin pie with gingersnap crust. Everyone loved everything. Honestly! I was surprised with the everyone loving everything part. Even Ruby ate some turkey and touched one bite of potato-parsnip mash to her bottom lip. Success! My mom brought her famous black bean corn salsa and I made pumpkin pie spice kettle corn, 3 hummuses (?) (they were regular, avocado, and roasted red pepper), and Ruby cut out gingerbread cookies with my mom and Jilly which was adorable.
Then we (me, Jilly, our parents) saw Harry Potter. I loved it very much. However, after a mother-daughters squabble, I am needing your input on a confusing issue: the Invisibility Cloak. Please contact me as soon as possible because I am lost/without my own copies of Half-Blood Prince and The Deathly Hallows to check.
So those were ups, here are the downs.
In last week's football pool (at Ronnie's work, I am allowed to participate), I came in second place. After Thursday's games and half of today's, I am so far away from even having a shot at winning I just want to cry. Ronnie is in a 3-way tie for first though, oddly enough this is after he came in last place last week. Interesting.
Ruby is refusing to wear a diaper today, which is fine for number ones (she announces "I need to pee!" then runs to the bathroom to do so) but number twos, not so much. Usually she'll wait for a diaper to poop. Not today. About an hour ago, she decided to squat while standing in a chair and start pushing. So I picked her up sideways and ran her to the bathroom. I saw one poo fall. I sat her down, she peed, and decided to be done (there is no forcing/bribing/entertaining her to stay on the toilet once she's done). So we went to pick up the one poo and I discovered that my hasty transport helped her poo drop from her body. A poo trail across the living room.
I have had a sore throat for four days now, with sneezing and a little stuffiness.
At least I don't have to go to work tomorrow.
But that means I am making no money.
But Ronnie's work is extremely generous with quarterly AND holiday bonuses so we're totally fine.
But we have to go to the company holiday BOWLING party to collect the Christmas bonus.
I am not excited about this awkward bowling shit.
But I am friendly with several of Ronnie's work friends AND their girlfriends.
Still. Awk.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Whoa
Everything is shattering around us like entire fucking mountains crashing into the ocean in an earthquake. Car totaled, surprise influx of cash immediately used on necessary practical things and not Yo Gabba Gabba Live tickets, Ruby trying to convince us that she doesn't need naps anymore (probably the worst thing right now, oddly), someone in charge of a very important aspect of my life going batshit insane and I simply cannot handle the crazy anymore but unfortunately I need what they give me so I'm stuck until I find something better which might never happen.
Things really suck but my family is Pretty Awesome so we're okay. Also, Ruby was a trick-or-treating champ so we have lots of candy which helps. It also helps knowing that I'm not intentionally sabotaging myself and making tons of bad stupid choices, it's just that all this weird shit is piling up like a stack of delicious pancakes only none of it is delicious. Can't cover a smashed car in butter and maple syrup then move on with life. I know, because I tried. Of course I didn't. But can't you totally see me doing that? Me too! Maybe that's my problem.
Things really suck but my family is Pretty Awesome so we're okay. Also, Ruby was a trick-or-treating champ so we have lots of candy which helps. It also helps knowing that I'm not intentionally sabotaging myself and making tons of bad stupid choices, it's just that all this weird shit is piling up like a stack of delicious pancakes only none of it is delicious. Can't cover a smashed car in butter and maple syrup then move on with life. I know, because I tried. Of course I didn't. But can't you totally see me doing that? Me too! Maybe that's my problem.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Honk
It occurred to me the other day that I know of several other blogs whose authors update maybe once or twice a month, and they seem successful and pleased with their blogginess. Then I realized, I too can have that. So over a month after my previous entry here, I present two stories for your pleasure:
1. Last night, I was driving home from work and nearly ended several lives.
Many of you know where I live, many of you do not. To keep things fair, I'll say that I live in an outdoorsy city. There are many parks and rivers sprinkled throughout the urban area. My commute home takes me right past a popular park located on a large river.
So I'm driving along, Ruby is yelling about the moon or something from her carseat, and HOLY SHIT DUCKS. This stupid ass duck walks right out onto this busy ass street like it wanted to die. I will do anything to help anyone out, you know this, but killing a precious duck? Cannot. AND THEN another stupid ass duck flaps its stupid face right onto the street behind stupid ass duck #1. #2 was a little smarter and flapped immediately back onto the sidewalk. #1 I was pretty sure I murdered but it was fucking rush hour with typical My Town drivers whizzing past at speeds clearly exceeding the posted speed limit by at least 10 mph, angrily honking and neglecting their blinkers because how dare I obey traffic laws?!
Anyway I thought I killed the duck but couldn't exactly assess the situation in my then-current state. I continued driving but turned around when I could, worried that I would have to call animal control saying I hit a fucking duck with my car but you know it wasn't my fault, ducks are dumb, and then I worried about Ruby seeing the dead duck and of course she would tell everyone Mama duck die or something.
By the time I returned to the scene, all the ducks had somehow safely crossed the street. Most of them were remaining true to their asshole roots, practically walking on the curb up the sidewalk, but I didn't see any flattened ducks on the street or the front of the car when I got home. But what the fuck were they doing moving around at nearly 7 pm? They couldn't stay put for one more night before fucking off for South America or wherever?
Lesson: obvious. Humans > animals, even if animals in question are smart enough to migrate.
2. To continue the previous story's theme of People Here Don't Know How to Drive, I would like to inform you that over the past two weeks, 4 other drivers have honked their horns at me. We all know I love to exaggerate, especially if it makes my story funnier, but I am dead serious when I tell you that I was doing the right, lawful thing in each honking instance.
It seems that many people just don't understand the rules of the road. I don't mean my rules. We all have the same rules, as defined by the DMV or whoever and offenses against said rules are punishable by law and/or road rage. You turn 16, you take the test, you pass, you get a license, and that's it. Your idiocy and extreme self-centeredness are unleashed upon the innocent. Ridiculous.
Today's incident is a little complicated to explain but I am feeling crazily compelled to get it out into the internet...many of My Town's downtown streets are on crack and meet up at one-ways, two lanes turning onto four lanes, bullshit. Add this nonsense to the lack of driving skills prevalent in the citizens and you get I Hate Driving Here. Clear signs indicating rules and right of way are all over the fucking place and people still can't figure shit out. I was on a two lane, one way street facing a four lane, oppositely one way street. I had a green light and was turning onto a four lane, one way street onto the lane closest to me which was the correct thing to do. I knew that the lanes facing me had to yield to me but they apparently had a green light too but they should have waited for me because it's the fucking law.
Well. Some dickwad chose to try to turn into my lane (the FURTHEST from where they originated) and when they realized I was there, they decided to honk like a motherfucker. Characteristically and in practice. How rude, right? They did the wrong thing, and got mad at me for doing the right thing.
Lesson: pretty obvious. People are dumb, and I can safely not classify myself as such. I do dumb things, we all do, but damn it. Too many honkings in too small a timeframe. And nobody in this current election is purporting a safe-driving platform! Shameful! Because driving safely definitely trumps taxes, education, health care reform, and constitutional rights.
You know I'm kidding, right? Seriously though, hate bad drivers with their honking.
1. Last night, I was driving home from work and nearly ended several lives.
Many of you know where I live, many of you do not. To keep things fair, I'll say that I live in an outdoorsy city. There are many parks and rivers sprinkled throughout the urban area. My commute home takes me right past a popular park located on a large river.
So I'm driving along, Ruby is yelling about the moon or something from her carseat, and HOLY SHIT DUCKS. This stupid ass duck walks right out onto this busy ass street like it wanted to die. I will do anything to help anyone out, you know this, but killing a precious duck? Cannot. AND THEN another stupid ass duck flaps its stupid face right onto the street behind stupid ass duck #1. #2 was a little smarter and flapped immediately back onto the sidewalk. #1 I was pretty sure I murdered but it was fucking rush hour with typical My Town drivers whizzing past at speeds clearly exceeding the posted speed limit by at least 10 mph, angrily honking and neglecting their blinkers because how dare I obey traffic laws?!
Anyway I thought I killed the duck but couldn't exactly assess the situation in my then-current state. I continued driving but turned around when I could, worried that I would have to call animal control saying I hit a fucking duck with my car but you know it wasn't my fault, ducks are dumb, and then I worried about Ruby seeing the dead duck and of course she would tell everyone Mama duck die or something.
By the time I returned to the scene, all the ducks had somehow safely crossed the street. Most of them were remaining true to their asshole roots, practically walking on the curb up the sidewalk, but I didn't see any flattened ducks on the street or the front of the car when I got home. But what the fuck were they doing moving around at nearly 7 pm? They couldn't stay put for one more night before fucking off for South America or wherever?
Lesson: obvious. Humans > animals, even if animals in question are smart enough to migrate.
2. To continue the previous story's theme of People Here Don't Know How to Drive, I would like to inform you that over the past two weeks, 4 other drivers have honked their horns at me. We all know I love to exaggerate, especially if it makes my story funnier, but I am dead serious when I tell you that I was doing the right, lawful thing in each honking instance.
It seems that many people just don't understand the rules of the road. I don't mean my rules. We all have the same rules, as defined by the DMV or whoever and offenses against said rules are punishable by law and/or road rage. You turn 16, you take the test, you pass, you get a license, and that's it. Your idiocy and extreme self-centeredness are unleashed upon the innocent. Ridiculous.
Today's incident is a little complicated to explain but I am feeling crazily compelled to get it out into the internet...many of My Town's downtown streets are on crack and meet up at one-ways, two lanes turning onto four lanes, bullshit. Add this nonsense to the lack of driving skills prevalent in the citizens and you get I Hate Driving Here. Clear signs indicating rules and right of way are all over the fucking place and people still can't figure shit out. I was on a two lane, one way street facing a four lane, oppositely one way street. I had a green light and was turning onto a four lane, one way street onto the lane closest to me which was the correct thing to do. I knew that the lanes facing me had to yield to me but they apparently had a green light too but they should have waited for me because it's the fucking law.
Well. Some dickwad chose to try to turn into my lane (the FURTHEST from where they originated) and when they realized I was there, they decided to honk like a motherfucker. Characteristically and in practice. How rude, right? They did the wrong thing, and got mad at me for doing the right thing.
Lesson: pretty obvious. People are dumb, and I can safely not classify myself as such. I do dumb things, we all do, but damn it. Too many honkings in too small a timeframe. And nobody in this current election is purporting a safe-driving platform! Shameful! Because driving safely definitely trumps taxes, education, health care reform, and constitutional rights.
You know I'm kidding, right? Seriously though, hate bad drivers with their honking.
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